I don't know who still reads this, but here goes..

Wow, I had completely forgotten about this journal for a while. Too much on my mind I guess. Three and a half years since I updated is kind of rediculous though, even I admit that. Let's see.. "Kiki" and I are no longer friends, haven't been for almost the full three years. We did talk for a month or so this past spring, but we decided separate is for the best I guess. I'm used to it now. I do miss the good times, but no use  dwelling on the past. (Although, if you are reading this "Kiki",  please look at the entry on this curret page called "Evanescence Questionnaire" at the comments, I was reading through entries and found those from one night we were quite hyper, and I laughed as I read them, remembering how fun things like that were. I hope you laugh too if you read it, and remember the good). Also, Claire and I have drifted apart it seems, I do miss her, but contact isn't the same. I'm trying to get ahold of her right now actually. She emailed me a while back to tell me she's going to school with a guy I fell for (quite hard I might add) back in '96 at a day camp thing I went to. I think he was my first love, and I have the distinct feeling Claire wants to play miss matchmaker and try to get him and I together. I need to write her another letter, and maybe one for him too if I have the guts lol. Wish me luck.

On another note, I have a new friend, and she and I became as close as sisters in a VERY short time. She understands me in a way no one else EVER has, not even "Kiki" did. She and I hang out quite a bit, and we have so many interests and likes in common it's kinda scary. From our "addictions" to inscence, to our love of anime. Naruto being one of our favorites, (My fave charachter is Itachi Uchiha, he's a member of a group  called the Akatsuki, which means "New Dawn" I believe.  Even though it is a terrorist organization. Itachi's story though is very dark and sad, and I suppose it struck something with me), I am officially hooked on the anime and manga. Another thing my friend and I have in common is our passion for horses, and also a dream to have a horse farm, which we now hope to do together. She and I always laugh and have so much fun when we're together, it's the best times ever, and we promised best friends for life, and I hope that we stay true to the promise and each other. I would honestly be lost without her.

My depression has gotten to be almost as bad as it's ever been. My emotional state has become so badly strained and warped right now I can't even fuction at a normal job. I have been officially diagnosed (once again) with "Major Depressive Disorder, Social Phobia (go figure) and Borderline Personality Traits". That means I have severe trouble coping with even the smallest things. I see a regular counsellor and soon I will be seeing a second worker on a regular basis. Things even got so bad that now I am seeing a Crisis counsellor for a temporary set amount of time, until I'm more stable. I feel so out of whack it's crazy. It's so weird, as I've said before, that it's so easy for me to write things down, but almost impossible for me to be able to actually speak about things. Just the way It goes I guess. I hope to get this under control soon, but if not I will have to come up with an alternate solution with my workers, as I cannot keep functioning this way. I haven't been starving or self harming, so I'm doing well with that, but the emotional stress has finally got to a point where I've "overloaded" and "shorted out" I can't take it anymore, I crashed and burned I guess you could say, and believe me it isn't pretty. When my crisis worker shows up (she never tells me exactly when), she usually has to (verbally) force me out of bed to get dressed, I have reached such a dead point, that I hardly see a purpose for anything anymore. It's become so hard noy to give up, but I am trying, you have no idea how hard I'm trying to keep it together, but it still feels like it's slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.

On another note, I have found another favorite book series, the Inheritance Cycle, by Christopher Paolini. I have read both Eragon and Eldest, I hope to soon read Brisingr, and I have seen the movie of Eragon, and I can't wait for Eldest to hit theaters. Speaking of that, I am anxiously awaiting the theater release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, since I am a HUGE fan. I have all seven books and have read the entire set multiple times. Anyway.. I'm nearly falling asleep, so that's all for now.

Interesting..

Dance the night away by karchan85
Name
What you Look like
The Music	Blues
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I was anorexic. I was really bad when I was fourteen. I'm still fighting the same depression though, I have been since I was about ten or eleven. I've had a pretty rough time of some things, but I probably won't go into detail here. Anyways, As I said I am Anorexic, not as bad as when I was younger, but I am afraid of getting worse, I'm afraid of alot of things actually. I also have a friend that is battling Anorexia and I am really worried about her, but also, at the same time, she makes me mad too. This is a relapse for her, as it too is for me, but I don't think she was ever as bad as she's letting herself get now. I was classic. I ate practically nothing, I purged by vomiting, usually in the morning to rid myself of breakfast on the way to my school bus stop. I would throw out my lunch as soon as I got to school, and then I wouldn't eat all of my supper. That's how it started. I was losing ptrtty fast, but then I got caught. My best friend in the world, Claire, started to get suspicious of how I was acting, and started to watch me really closely. Then when she fully realized what I was doing, she reported me to our foster mother. I was so mad at her. I felt betrayed. Our foster mother then started watching me eat every meal, and had the lunch monitor watch me at school, so I started getting good at being cagey, very sneaky. My friend though, she's letting herself get bad, it also angers me, because the only reason she say's she's doing it is cause she wants to lose weight, that's it. I have tried so many times to get her to see that thin ISN'T everything. That you don't have to be extremly skinny to be pretty or feminine. She says she understands how dangerous Anorexia really is, but I really don't think she does. From what I can see, from several of our conversations, stuff she's said, she doesn't understand. I'm not wanting to be a bully here, but she really doesn't get how serious it is. If she did, she wouldn't be continually putting off getting help. I don't think she even wants help, from how she acts and speaks about it, it's like she wants to be this way. I think she's thriving on the attention that this is getting her, I mean she's been sick before this, but I don't think ever like this, and also, I don't think she's ever gotten as much attention from being sick before, the way she does with this, people trying to get her to eat, begging and pleading with her to eat. She's also gotten compulsive with exercise.. she told me up to 510 crunches a day. For something to do I tried to see how many I could do in half an hour, and I got to 310, I was pushing it though, doing them pretty fast. I just wish I could get her to understand the danger she's putting her-self into with this. I saw a post about this on a BBS I sometimes scan over, and that she posts on, and another girl, a recovering Anorexic, desceibes how she hates alot of the kinds of people that use Anorexia as a quick weight fix and I've been thinking, that's exactly what my friend is doing. All she wants is to lose weight and she seems to think starving herself is the quick fix to do it. She always told me that healthy diets don't work, but I don't think it really is that. From what she's told me, she doesn't use them because they do not work fast enough, I've noticed that she's very impatient when it comes to losing weight. She gets upset if it doesn't come off fast enough. Also, aside from that, she wants to be a too tiny 100 pounds. She can't seem to realize that 'thin' is okay, but 'too thin' is dangerous. She keeps saying it's in a healthy weight range for her, but it's like right at the minimum, (98 is the actual minimum) and according to all BMI charts, it's too thin for her height and age, but she won't get it through her head. I'm really not trying to be a bully here, I just wish she'd think about what she's doing, and get herself help, she desperately needs it. I've relapsed a tad myself, but I've been way too concerned about her. I want her to know that I care, and I want her to go and get the help she desperately needs ASAP. Kiki, I am not trying to be the bully here, but I don't know what else to do to make you see.. please don't be mad at me, I do love you Baby sister, more than youn know... and I am begging you here, please please please go and get the help you so desperately need as soon as possible.. I'm begging you.. please..
Jade

This is just quick.. but I wonder if anyone reads this anymore.. I don't have time for a long update now, tomorrow I should.. bye for now.

I got these from Kiki's journal. I wanted to see how many of them I'd get the same thing as her on. :)

( Click it. Please, for me? )

Dear Baby Sis,
As I sit there, watching you struggle with life, I just wish I could take all of your hurt away. I hate to see you hurting. I hate to see you struggling with these things that are controlling your life. It hurts to sit here and watch you doing this to yourself. I'm not trying to be mean here, but I truely don't think you realize just how serious your situation really is. You need to get professional help, and you need to get it as soon as possible. I am not trying to preach, I am just a very concerned and scared big sister. Remember when I asked you "what are you afraid of?", I asked that hoping you would think about it, and try to determine what it is that's scaring you into this craziness. No, I am not calling you crazy, it's what you're doing that is. I know you say you're afraid of being fat or gaining weight. Do you think food is the enemy? It's not, the real enemy of an anorexic is their mind. You think you have control of your body, when in truth, your body has control of you. Your mind is controlling you. I remember you telling me you're an extreme perfectionist, and that is a part of where this is stemming from. Also, take a good look at your relationship with your family, your Mom, Dad and brothers. It has actually proven, that girls who have good relationships with their fathers, are much happier, they have much more self confidence, and are much more open and secure with their body weight and body image. So why not sit down with your Dad and have a heart-to-heart with him? Talk to him, ask him to be there, ask him to show you his love, there are better ways to get attention that what you're doing. Are you afraid of love? Do you feel that you don't deserve it? That isn't true. I remember one of your journal entries where you said that you think you have to earn people's love, your family's, your friends. That isn't true Kiki, love isn't something to be earned, love is freely given. You don't have to earn anything from anyone. You never had to earn my love. You're my little sister and I love you. You do deserve it. I love you as my sister, because you're smart and funny, pretty and talented, you just need to these things for yourself. This is why I wish I was a professional, so that I could give you the help that youg really need. As I sit here writing this, I think back over our friendship. The good times we had, and also the bad. I've learned from the bad experiences, and I've forgiven you for wrongdoings, but, have you really forgiven yourself? Have you forgiven yourself for being born with Spina Bifida? Have you forgiven yourself for not being able to be strong every single day? Have you forgiven yourself for being sick? Have you accepted your illness? It isn't your fault in any way, that you were born wth Spina Bifida, it just happens. It's not your fault that you aren't perfect. God creates everyone uniquely. Jesus wanted you to have the SB for a reason, not to punish you. He wanted you to be you, he made you the height and weight that you are, and how you look, because in his eyes, He thought that this way, you're perfect. You don't need to change anything about yourself, He likes you just the way you are. I know your faith is strong, so turn to it for comfort, for strength. Also, turn to your friends and family. God didn't give you Spina Bifida, or the bit of extra weight you've got to condemn you. He did it to make you perfect in his eyes. I am not trying to chastiscize you, or anything like that, I just want you to see how special you really are. You are not inferior at all, to anyone. Perfection is impossible, except in God's eyes. You just have to learn to be you. I wish that I could be there with you, so that I could teach you how to be happy with yourself, to not be afraid to love or be loved, or ask for help now and then. I know that you want to be so strong for everyone else, but, you need to understand that it's okay to be weak, it's okay to cry, it's okay to ask for help. Asking for help does not make a person weak. It truth, it makes you stronger. As I have watched you struggle with these things, I think that not only are you afraid to love, you are also afraid to be loved. Is it because you're afraid of letting down those who love you or want to love you? It seems that you're stuck in this power struggle with yourself. Also, I really think that you should tell Austin how you feel about him, I believe it would make a huge difference for you if you do. I mean, from what you've told me he feels the same way about you, and if you tell him how you feel, you'd have him, and you'd be so much happier. And no you DO NOT have to earn his love. Everyone who loves you, loves you for you, for who you are. Changing how you look or act isn't going to make anyone like or love you more, that's not how it works. You don't need to be super thin to be pretty, to feel pretty or to make things better. Life is what YOU make it, never what your looks make it. Personality is key. With what you're dealing with, depression, thoughts of suicide and all of the anorexic habits you've developed, you seriously need professional help, I wish I could be the one to give it to you, these things will not get better on their own, they'll only just get worse, I'll still be here for you though, no matter what, like that peer counsellor thing we talked about. All you have to do is say "I need to talk" or "I'm scared of (insert what it is), can we please talk?" and we will. Or you can email me a giant email, or leave a big post on my journal, or send me a letter, I don't care how many pages it is, I will read every word and write back to you. Also, when I get my landline back (home phone) I will send you a card so that you can call me whenever you need to, I don't care what time. It's called a Family Contact card, I will send you one, and you can call me whenever you want, day or night, with absolutely no cost to you. Not a single cent. I will call you too as soon as I can get another long distance card. I want you to see that you don't have to be afraid of these things, loving, being loved. I also just thought of something, are you afrad of growing up? Being a woman? Do you wish you could just be a child forever? That your body could stay that of a kid forever? No boobs, no period? It's okay to admit things to people, I want you to be open with me, I want to be able to help you as much as I can. I have wished for so many things, but none more than this, that I could be able to be there with you, and help you more than I can on a computer or the phone. You mean so much to me. I want you to remember that I will ALWAYS be here for you, and that I will ALWAYS care, and ALWAYS love you, my baby sister. More than words could ever say. I want you to take to heart everything that I have said here, because it all came from mine. I love you baby sister, don't ever forget it.
Love always,
your Jade

I put scared for my mood, but it's more like, terrified. Ok, here goes, one of my best friends is in trouble, and I mean REAL trouble. She and I both are people that have weight issues. I am way over my healthy limit and am trying to lose some so my health will improve. She is within her healthy range, but she still wants to lose more, her healthy range is 98 lbs to 132 lbs. She is within that range. She told me she wants to be 110 lbs. She also told me that she has a healthy new diet she's following. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with her size, I think she's perfect the way she is. But she doesn't. She doesn't like anything about herself. I admit that I am a former anorexic, a recovered anorexic, I almost landed in the hospital. I was ratted out though when my best friend found out I had dropped about 21 lbs in barely three weeks. In school I knew a girl named Sara, I ill withhold her last name for privacy reasons. But she was in and out of the hospital several times due to Anorexia. Every time she came back to school from a hospital stay, she was so small, she resembled a wrinkled bag of bones. She looked awful. Absolutely terrible. I was scared, because I thought I was going to look like that, but that I wouldn't be satisfied with it. Now, I've found out the true extent of how bad my best friend is getting. She sent me an email last night, revealing just how bad she's getting. And I am really scared. She's at the point where she is counting everything she eats, after she eats she regrets it, when she looses a pound she wants to keep losing more and more. She barely eats any of her meals, maybe a few bites of each. She said she's afraid that she won't be satisfied until she's skin and bones. This is really terrifying me. She also probably has other obsessive habits around eating that she doesn't realize. I had them myself. Separating each item of food from the other, alternating the bites from each section, not letting lips touch the fork, there are so many of these habits. I don't have time to write anything more, so I will continue this tomorrow. She told me that her mom is going to call a counsellor first thing tomorrow, thank god, I am SO worried about her. More to come tomorrow.

This entry wont be hugely long, but I just want to say...

Happy Birthday Baby Sis!!!!!!! :)

Love ya girl!

Love,
Jade

You have White Wings! Pure and innocent, your
kindness attracts other people toward you. You
can be shy and quite, but when others know you
better, they realize you are fun and bubbly.
You hate it when other around you are sad, and
always see the good in everyone and everything.
Chances are you either help in the shelter, or
are a tutor in school. You are very kind and
friendly, but also quite nave. Dont be fooled
by looks. Some things do go bump in the night.


What Color are your wings?(Mainly for Girls)Beautiful Pix!
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1. Your name: Raven
2. Your age: 23
3. Your birthday: September 15th
4. Your location: Ontario, Canada
5. Your opinion of the number forty-two: Don't really care
6. Your website: Don't have an Evanescence one yet :(
7. Where did you find this community: A friend
8. What is your favorite Evanescence song (Fallen or unreleased), and why: Anywhere, the vocals are awesome and the guitar is amazing!
9. Who is your favorite band member, and why: Amy, because she is so pretty and talented, has an awesome voice and isn't afraid to be herself
10. Have you been to any Evanescence concerts? If so, tell us about them: Nope :( I hope to soon though
11. If you could be Amy for one day, what would you do: Write lots of songs and play music for everyone
12. Is there anything you would change about the band: Nope
13. When did you become Evanescence obsessed: When I was introduced to them almost a year ago
14. Anything else you want to say: Not really

Well, I have a new layout, and a new home. If you can call it a home, I'm renting a room from this couple. It's not what I wanted though, I wanted an apartment, a place to myself, I'm not used to living in someone else's house. It's just strange to me. I'm used to having a place to myself, not one I have to share with other people. I also have a new layout now for my journal. Arwen, from Lord Of The Rings. The icon is Arwen too. I thought it needed a change from faeries, although that doesn't mean I've stopped liking them, I haven't. I'm also very worried about Kiki. Her depression is back, and she may be falling towards an eating disorder. It scares me. I know she might get mad at me for saying this in my journal, but I just want her to know that I really do care about her, and I worry about her. I just wish she'd see how much I really care about her. I don't know what to do. I just wish.. that she'd see how much I truly do care. I know I'm being repetative a bit here, I'm just.. worried. Well I have to get off this computer because the library is closing, but I'm gonna make it sure that I don't take so long to update again. Bye for now.

I found this in Kiki's journal. She got it from our friend's journal, Chloe's journal. Hehe it says Kiki and Zac make out on hers. Here's mine.

What will happen to you at a Hanson concert? by forbidden_lovin
Name
You will meet...	Zac
In a...	Elevator
And...	Talk
And you will meet...	Taylor
And they will say...	Wanna come back to the tour bus after the show?
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Okay so I haven't updated in a while.. things are going badly right now.. I'll write more later. Here's a neat quiz I got from my friend's journal though. :)


Your medieval name is: Gweneveire. You are innocent, quiet, beautiful and angelic. You harbor an inner beauty and you usually keep to yourself, following the lines of conformity. You're totally innocent and loyal.


What is your Medieval name?
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I went to Cleveland with about 18 other girls. My friends Angel and Jeanie were among them. On Sunday we went to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall Of Fame, we also shot some of Angel's vid for her music. Then on Monday, we went to the Great American Rib Cook-Off and at 6 pm, we saw Hanson! It was my first time ever seeing them live, and it was the best! They did a solely acoustic set, and it was amazing. Zac did a song called "I Need You Now" for his solo, Isaac did one called "Being Me" and Taylor did "Crazy Beautiful" I had so much fun. Me and a couple friends didn't get the VIP bands to attend the guys' signing after the show, so we headed back to our tour bus (yes we travelled in a tour bus) and then Gary (chaperone I guess you could saym and Angel's manager) came in and told us that Taylor was at the fence talking to fans, so we went out to see, but when we got there, Taylor wasn't out there, it was Zac. I got to meet him! I got a picture with him too. So thank you Hanson! For making it the best day of my life! I'll remember it forever!

I got to see Lexi and Xoey again! I babysat Xoey for the night on Saturday night. A bunch of Brad and Lexi's friends just came back from overseas so they drove up here for the night. Xoey is really getting big, 18 lbs. now! Also, 19 more days until the trip to Cleveland to see Hanson! I'm so excited! This entry won't be long because I've been sick all day with a migraine attack, it's better now but not completely gone. Later. :)

I found these in an old journal when I was browsing one day.


Schoolgirl


What's your sexual appeal?
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This is so NOT me lmao. I'm not even in school either.. oh well.


<<>>???What Kind Of Angel R You???<<>>( Anime Pics )
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Last time I did onr like this I got "Waiting Angel"


Which Elemental Goddess are you?
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Pink Chii


Chobits - What Color Chii Are You?
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You're a Celtic Forest Creature


What mystical woman are you? (with pics)
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I think I got it.. Kayla if you look at this and want your layout back.. contact me.. I guess.. ok maybe it isn't fixed..

I am still alive. *lol* I've been babysitting for a friend of mine alot the past month. I'm looking after a 5 month old baby and she's so cute. She was 5 months old on the 21st. She was barely 4 months old when I first started babysitting her. Her name is Zoe, but, it's not spelled that way, it's spelled like totally different, it's Xoey. Very unique. I've been making a good bit of money from babysitting her too. I made a new buddy today, a Hanson buddy. If all goes real well I'll be going on the "Storm Cleveland Project" with her and I think 18 others. We will be going to Cleveland, shooting a video for an up-and-coming band, then visiting the Rock 'n' Roll Hall Of Fame, and then we will be seeing Hanson, 5th row! We might even be able to meet them! I'm so excited, I want to go on this trip so bad because I've never seen Hanson live before, and let alone met them. I want to go so bad. The baby is sleeping right now. I'm babysitting her for the night, I had her all night too last night. My friend Alexis, Xoey's mom, is going back to New York tomorrow, I'm gonna miss hangin' out with her, and also lookin after Xoey too. Her husband Brad is a really nice guy too. I'd better head to bed. *lol* The baby gets up early. I'll try not to take so long to update anymore. I can't resist sayin it one more time, I want to go on this trip so bad!! I may be able to meet Hanson on it! I'm so excited!! Later!

lol I feel so lazy right now. :oP I'm watching a forensic science show on TV. Here's another quiz I got from Chloe's journal. She rocks! :)


Heart of Crystal


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
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